In memory of my Mom whom I love dearly. / Lisa Ulaj (Daughter)
Walked into the room The odor hit me as I walked in. Never could stand the way it smelled, the medicine, the blood, disinfectants combined. I tried not to let it bother me For I had to see her And a scary sight it was. For she was skin and bones and so very pale and weak I got the chills and stopped myself from shedding any tears. For I knew I had to be strong. Strong for her sake.
Her eyes were closed, I just stood silently over her and watched her sleep peacefully. I stroked her hand gently, And she awoke, For now I was really frightened. Her pupils were yellow and could barely see her beautiful brown eyes. Even her skin tone had changed from her golden olive to a pale yellow. It brought back memories of my Grandfather- Her father. Whom had died of liver disease- he had also turned to this pale yellow.
I tried so hard to control myself and not let her see the pain I was in. The pain I was feeling for her. I couldn’t help staring. Didn’t mention anything about her eyes Didn’t know if she knew or not. Although she could see her skin.
She gave me a smile and asked how I was. That’s how she was Always thinking of others before herself. I asked her how she was feeling? “Much better!” she replied,
Always better- Never worse with mom. Never wanted to worry us Always kept her illness a secret. Kept this burden she called, buried inside. Never let me or the family in In this time of need- Time of pain.
We were never there through all the surgeries Through all the kemo Through all her aches and pain Never there to hold her hand Never there to show our love and support.
I regret to say, I hated her for this for a very long time. For depriving me of this. For that is what family is for. I never was quite able to forgive her for this. She wanted to spare us all from the pain and sorrow And yet she could of gone and never have seen tomorrow.
Never would have had a chance to say good bye Nor been able to say I Love You for the last time.
Although, I did not want another chance. Just wanted her to be well And free of her cancer. Seeing her lying in bed that day I knew that she would not be with us much longer.
With all this happening and her still not telling us the truth Makes me think sometimes, Did she not believe it Was she in denial Did she think this was just another obstacle in which she had to overcome. Or was it once again for the sake of her family.
This paler, thinner, weaker version of my mother Whose eyes were bulging out of her lids Was fighting for her life. Fighting Hard! Was not giving up!
It was days later Her yellow skin tone and the yellow in her eyes was gone. She looked much better, yet felt much worse. This malicious internal disease was eating her alive.
She was getting weaker, Couldn’t barely speak. It hurts she would say when I speak. She was not strong enough to use her lungs alone She now needed the help of an oxygen mask. She hated the mask.
She hadn’t said a word the next day But her eyes were wide open. Wasn’t quite sure if she was still alert mentally I asked her if she would like to see the children My children- Her grandchildren. She nodded her head slowly yes
I had to get the children in to see her one last time She loved them soo much. They were the love of her life.
I was able to get them through passed the guards Liridon who was not yet seven at the time was quite shocked to see her this way He did not even recognize her. He was very frightened. His eyes turned beet red and tried not to blink so he would not shed a tear. He finally kissed her and told her he loved and missed her very much. And hoped she would feel better. Nicholas who was two, hugged and kissed her and said “I Love You Nani Rosa”.
She shed a tear Pulled of her oxygen mask And looked at the boys and said “I love you’s too! “ It took so much strength for her to say those words, For she hadn’t spoke a word for atleast 2 days. For she was so weak. Every breath counted.
I took the children in the waiting room and cried I knew that this may be the last time they would ever see their grandmother alive. Now everyone was pretty much counting the days. So sad, thinking about it now So sad, thinking about it then. All I wanted was for my mother to be out of her pain and misery And if that meant losing her to God- It was ok by me.
I do regret never being able to express myself to her To tell her how sorry I was for any pain I had caused her in the past. And to tell her what a great mother she had been. I regret not being able to speak to her and to let her know that I knew she was dying And how much I will miss her when she’s gone. And regret not being able to cry with her about this tragedy.
Yet all along until the end we played out this scene That she was getting better.
Thursday, September 24th I had stayed up all night with her and left Friday morning to get prepared for the worst. I knew there would not be much time left. It was not long when I arrived at my parents house that the doorman told me I should rush to the hospital right away. I knew it was time. The day I had dreaded. The day I had hoped never to come.
My grandmother, sister and I rushed to the hospital and found her dying. Her heart was still beating Yet she was not breathing. The doctor had not declared her dead yet. I didn’t understand this. Not at all. How could her heart still be beating When she was not breathing Her heart beats began fading And fading, until you heard no more. The doctor pronounced her dead
Friday, September 25, 1998 My mother dies and we are all left to mourn her. She is in the hands of her father now. And in the arms of the Angels.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about you Mom, and wish that you were here. My memories of you will last until eternity. You will never be forgotten and always be missed!
Love you always, Lisa
Some poems that hit home for Rosa's family. / Lisa Ulaj (Daughter)
Words Left Unsaid
I didn't get to say "goodbye", And all the words I wanted you to hear. I should have said them when I had my chance, But I thought that you would always be near. I ran out of time to let you know, Just how much you meant to me. I should have told you, but I thought you knew, But now I will never know, if you really did see. When l talk to you in my prayers at night, I hope you can hear all I have to say. I would have told you, if only I could, Have had you back for one more day. Perhaps there were words you wanted to say also, That were left unsaid by you. But I do know that you loved me, As you knew that I loved you too. We should always say what we feel in our heart, As tomorrow may never come. Speak those words today as you feel them, And never lose your chance to tell someone
I HAD CANCER.
I had cancer. There isn't any explanation as to why I got sick. All I know is God has a plan for each of us and for each plan there is a purpose. Some of us know what our purpose in life is and others will never find it. Then there are those like me who accomplish it without ever realizing it. My journey with cancer will not and has not been without purpose, It is through my illness that I have helped doctors understand this disease a little more so they may find a cure. It is through my illness that I have opened the eyes to those around me to how precious life really is. Something we all too often take for granted. It is through my illness that some of those around me have realized that life is too short to be afraid of our feelings. My cancer has been beaten back by the power of love. It is the most powerful of emotions, one not to be afraid of, but to be embraced. To be loved by someone unconditionally and completely is to reach into your soul and feel warmth.
It is through my illness that I have shown there is no guarantee for the future— only dreams for it. Whether the future is just another day or another 75 years, we should all dream big and live fully everyday. It is through my illness that I have seen the strong cry, only to find more strength. It is through my illness that some of us who haven't talk to God in a while have once again begun to pray.
It is through my illness that I have joined the hands of those familiar to those of strangers, to form one long chain. I have already accomplished so much in such a short amount of time and each day I continue to touch the hearts of many.
That is my purpose
Letter From Heaven
Some things I'd like to say but first of all to let you know that I arrived okay I'm writing this from Heaven where I dwell with God above where there's no more tears or sadness there is just eternal love Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight remember that I'm with you every morning, noon and night That day I had to leave you when my life on Earth was through God picked me up and hugged me and He said "I welcome you" "It's good to have you back again you were missed while you were gone as for your dearest family they'll be here later on" "I need you here so badly as part of My big plan there's so much that we have to do to help our mortal man" Then God gave me a list of things He wished for me to do and foremost on that list of mine is to watch and care for you And I will be beside you every day and week and year and when you're sad I'm standing there to wipe away the tear And when you lie in bed at night the days chores put to flight God and I are closest to you in the middle of the night When you think of my life on Earth and all those loving years because you're only human they are bound to bring you tears But do not be afraid to cry it does relieve the pain remember there would be no flowers unless there was some rain I wish that I could tell you of all that God has planned but if I were to tell you you wouldn't understand But one thing is for certain though my life on Earth is o're I am closer to you now than I ever was before And to my very many friends trust God knows what is best I'm still not far away from you I'm just beyond the crest There are rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb but together we can do it taking one day at a time It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too that as you give unto the World so the World will give to you If you can help somebody who is in sorrow or in pain then you can say to God at night my day was not in vain And now I am contented that my life was worthwhile knowing as I passed along the way I made somebody smile So if you meet somebody who is down and feeling low just lend a hand to pick him up as on your way you go When you are walking down the street and you've got me on your mind I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind And when you feel the gentle breeze or the wind upon your face that's me giving you a great big hug or just a soft embrace And when it's time for you to go from that body to be free remember you're not going you are coming here to me And I will always love you from that land way up above Will be in touch again soon
When I am Gone
When I am gone, release me, let me go. I have so many things to see and do. You mustn’t tie yourself to me with tears. Be thankful for our beautiful years. I gave you my love, you can only guess How much you gave me in happiness. I thank you for love you have shown, But now it’s time I traveled on alone. So grieve a while for me, if grieve you must. Then let your grief be comforted by trust. It’s only for a time that we must past. So bless the memories within your heart. I won’t be far away, for life goes on. So if you need me, call and I will come. Though you can’t see or touch me, I’ll be near And if you listen with your heart, you’ll hear All my love around you soft and clear. And then when you must come this way alone, I’ll greet you with a smile and say “Welcome Home.”
But its my birthday!! / Sendi Djeljevic (Niece)
All my life my parents have tried to teach me to be thoughtful, courageous, understanding, forgiving and most of all loving, and all my life i wondered how can one person be all of this, how an angel can be in human form so pure and kind; and then i begin to think of Rosa.
My mother and father were very close with Rosa and Nikola, they did everything together from going to weddings to hanging out on the weekend, which in essence left the children lisa and dede and marijana and sendi to play(later on alexis came along). Marijana, alexis and I were always over their house making all of us more like sisters then cousins and Rosa and Nikola like second parents to us.
My mom always tells me how Rosa would send suitcases full of clothing to yugoslavia to Marijana and my Mom. Everytime my mother and I go shopping in stores, she would tell me how rosa would yell at my mom to dress me up nicer because i was beautiful, and she needed to dress me up beautiful too. Rosa was always giving to people and always thinking of who and how she could help the next person. That was just the way she was. When we moved from Malesi to America it was only through the help of Rosa and Nikola that it was all made possible.
Our families each day became more and more like one. We would always help each other out in anyway that we could, whether it by my mom making pite for dinner or rosa baby sitting me while my mom worked. Our family became one and rasing all of us was a team effort.
Everytime Rosa's name gets brought up, the story of the time she babysat me is always told by my mom. She tells this story of a day that she left me with Rosa in her old apartment so she could watch me while my mom worked. Being the sweet person that she was she agreed to watch me but, as a young charismatic little girl I wore her out quickly and she soon fell asleep on the sofa. I found myself wondering about the house and getting the door open to the terrace. It was a great snowday and I loved playing in the snow. I stayed out there for an hour or so while she slept and when she woke there was no sight of Sendi. She searched the apartment in fright scared to think of what could have happened, she asked Nikola and soon he was on the search for me too. Soon enough i poke my head at the window trying to look in and nikola opens the door. He looked down at me and said Sendi a je ti e marr!!!! and in my sweet little voice i said no axhi jam faqe zez =].. rosa grabbed me and gave me the biggest hug ive ever gotten in my life(sometimes i still feel her warmth when dede and lisa give me hugs) she looked at me with her beautiful brown eyes and told me she was gonna beat me and all i said was ' no no rosiee its sendi's birthdayy!" and she proceeded to hug me. she told my mom the story and my mom tells me everytime that if it wasn't really my birthday i would have gotten a nice beating.
It's sad when we go upstate and we visit her grave, there is this silence that comes between us that even though no words are spoken we all hear each others thoughts saying "we miss nanni", "we love you mom","I miss my favorite sister in law" then slowly I feel a wind blow and a slight chill comes over my body and i know everyone feels it too; and its you, its rosa saying "Im here...i never left you" and we cry more, not for tears of sadness but tears of love and wishing we would have told you more.
So everytime I have a birthday, or everytime I go shopping in the city or everytime I see 145 east 84th street i think of you, your love, your warmth and your heart. I think of how blessed I am to have been in the presence of someone so special and so amazing.
So I make this tribute to Rosa Gjelaj, i want you to know that every birthday I try to be more like you, every year I try to take on a new quality, because since the day I met you, even though I didnt know what impact you were going to have on my life, I could tell you were an angel because a hug from you had meaning, a kiss from you had depth, and the love you gave is EVERLASTING.
I'll never forget You. I love you.
Sendi
OUR MOMS ARE TOGETHER LISA IN A MUCH BETTER PLACE / MARIA RUKAJ Mrikas Daughter (cousin)
Wow Lisa when I see her younger photos I can’t help but see so much beauty..she truly was beautiful inside and out. Your mom always loved me she had such a big smile when she saw me and always kissed me and said hello how are you. She had a heart of gold and always spoke about her loving daughters and how proud she was..she is with you everyday..trust me I feel my mom around me especially when I’m down. They were friends and my mom always liked her, so sad that she joined her not too long before your mom passed.
We don’t have answers and it will forever be in our hearts why? we were a perfect family and it felt like our happiness was wripped from us..we too watched our mother die so dont feel bad because your not alone...we had the same exact feelings as you did...trying to be strong, trying hard not to shed a tear until I broke down in the waiting room screaming "OH MY GOD NO! Not our mom"...I will never forget that..I was kicking and screaming and even hurt my hand and didn’t know til days later.. We wondered is she in pain she too would not tell us she would say she’s ok...but meanwhile we could see how bad she was gasping for air..that is what site will haunt us forever...seeing someone you love so much in such pain and we could not help them..
But life isn’t easy it never was...but I know for sure that our mothers are in a far far better place...and in some way I know they are around us always..you can feel their presence around...see them in your dream...keep them in our hearts forever. It’s not the end although at the time we think it is..its a new life a new beginning and one by one we will join our angels in heaven...look at each day as one day being closer to our mothers. May God bless you and your family...and give you strength to know your not alone...and one day our tears will be washed away.
Remember Mothers Day is for you as well...try to be happy for your children!
My deepest condolences. May these few words from the Holy Scriptures give you comfort.
John 11:32-45
32 And so Mary, when she arrived where Jesus was and caught sight of him, fell at his feet, saying to him: “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” 33 Jesus, therefore, when he saw her weeping and the Jews that came with her weeping, groaned in the spirit and became troubled; 34 and he said: “Where have YOU laid him?” They said to him: “Lord, come and see.” 35 Jesus gave way to tears. 36 Therefore the Jews began to say: “See, what affection he used to have for him!” 37 But some of them said: “Was not this [man] that opened the eyes of the blind man able to prevent this one from dying?”
38 Hence Jesus, after groaning again within himself, came to the memorial tomb. It was, in fact, a cave, and a stone was lying against it. 39 Jesus said: “TAKE the stone away.” Martha, the sister of the deceased, said to him: “Lord, by now he must smell, for it is four days.” 40 Jesus said to her: “Did I not tell you that if you would believe you would see the glory of God?” 41 Therefore they took the stone away. Now Jesus raised his eyes heavenward and said: “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. 42 True, I knew that you always hear me; but on account of the crowd standing around I spoke, in order that they might believe that you sent me forth.” 43 And when he had said these things, he cried out with a loud voice: “Laz´a·rus, come on out!” 44 The [man] that had been dead came out with his feet and hands bound with wrappings, and his countenance was bound about with a cloth. Jesus said to them: “Loose him and let him go.”
45 Therefore many of the Jews that had come to Mary and that beheld what he did put faith in him;
If you have any questions about this passage please go to the link below...
Tributes and Condolences
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